# 💞 Cheatsheet: Healthy Love: Boundaries, Attachment and Avoiding Toxic Relationships

By Better Wise

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A lookup card for the whole course. Skim the tables, grab the exact phrases, run the exercises.

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## Module 1: Know Yourself: Attachment and Partner Clarity

### 1.1 Attachment Styles and Your Dating Patterns

Attachment style = your default pattern of seeking closeness and handling distance. It is a starting point, not a fixed label. Style is a tendency shaped by experience, and it can shift with awareness and practice.

| Style | Core fear / pattern | Typical dating behavior | What it needs |
| --- | --- | --- | --- |
| Secure | Comfortable with closeness and independence | Communicates needs directly, tolerates space | Consistency, honest repair |
| Anxious (preoccupied) | Fear of abandonment | Clingy texting, over-reading tone, reassurance-seeking | Predictability, clear reassurance, self-soothing |
| Avoidant (dismissive) | Fear of losing independence / being controlled | Pulls back when close, keeps options open | Space framed as trust, low-pressure pacing |
| Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) | Want closeness and fear it at once | Push-pull, hot then cold | Safety, slow pace, professional support if needed |

**Anxiety vs avoidance, quick read:**

- Anxious system: "Are they pulling away? I need to fix this now." Response = pursue, over-explain, double-text.
- Avoidant system: "This is getting intense. I need air." Response = withdraw, go vague, cancel plans.

**Pattern audit exercise (do this before dating):**

1. Write your last 2-3 relationships or situationships.
2. For each, note: who pursued, who pulled back, how it ended.
3. Circle the repeating move. That is your pattern, not your personality.

> **Tip:** 
> Ask: "What do I do when I feel unsafe in a relationship?" Your answer reveals your attachment behavior faster than any quiz.

**Exact phrase to name your pattern out loud:**
> "I notice that when I feel unsure about us, I tend to [double-text / go quiet]. I'm working on saying it directly instead."

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### 1.2 Define What You Actually Want in a Partner